i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
