I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
