I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
