My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You ate ashes out of my bong
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
