I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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