I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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