I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
