I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Randomize
