I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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