dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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