I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
