Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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