just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
