Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
