I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
