I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
