Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
