I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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