How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
