she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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