Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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