Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
