i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
