Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
