Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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