My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
