wat bout pragnant strippers??
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
