My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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