My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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