with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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