Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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