that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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