if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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