i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
