I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
