PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Randomize
