Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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