i already hear my dad disowning me
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
