his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
