I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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