What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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