it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
