What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
