if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
