Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So squirting runs in the family.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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