I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
