is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
