is your mom at the bar?
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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