i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
