dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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