I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
