I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
