I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
