Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
