Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
