: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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